Brittany's Birth Story
The Birth of Atticus
All Images Courtesy of Gather Birth
10.7.2021
I think what I love the most about giving birth is how it transforms you as a person. Some of that transformation happens during and immediately after birth. Some transformation continues to develop long after the birth. For my first birth in 2017, I’d say most of that growth happened long afterward. I was very critical of myself and how I coped with labor for a long time. I mostly kept my thoughts inward while also trying to find my voice and confidence as a new mother.
Fast forward to this birth; it was transformative even before it began. I was on a medical leave from work due to increased migraines during pregnancy and difficulty treating them. I am so thankful because it gave me the time and space my body needed mentally and physically. I was able to truly prioritize my whole well-being for the first time in my life. The two most impactful things that I did that helped transform and prepare my mind for this birth were yoga and weekly sessions with my therapist. I learned the power of my breath and mind, and its impact on my physical body. I also learned the importance of setting boundaries, honoring my needs, and grounding myself in the things that are certain. This allowed me to go into Atticus’s birth with a peaceful and confident mindset, and that truly made all of the difference.
[4:30AM] I woke up around 4:30 AM having what I thought were Braxton Hicks contractions — maybe a little more than that? I decided to get out of bed, feed myself, and hopefully go back to sleep. Nicholas was up, too, getting ready to go to clinical. He wasn’t surprised to see me awake making food so early; it was a periodic occurrence during this pregnancy. As I was moving around, making food, I kept feeling small amounts of fluid come from my body. I assumed I was suddenly having bladder control problems. I thought it was odd but briefly dismissed it, assuming it wasn’t anything significant.
As I kept moving around, I noticed I was continuing to have “Braxton Hicks” contractions. The more I thought about it, the more I realized these likely were not Braxton Hicks. Normally, for me during this pregnancy, my Braxton Hicks would happen when I was lying down or sitting in my car driving. I debated in my head — do I say anything? Do I actually say out loud that this is early labor?
Before Nicholas left, I told him that I no longer thought I was having Braxton Hicks and that I thought I was actually in very early labor. He asked if he should still go to clinical, and I told him he should. I assumed my early labor would likely be at least several hours before things progressed or intensified. My labor with Winston was a grand total of 59 hours, most of which I was stuck in prodromal early labor. I was very hopeful the journey to the birth of this babe would be a completely different experience, including a shorter duration. I just didn’t want to have expectations, so to err on the safe side mentally, I wanted to just assume labor would still be relatively gradual.
Before Nicholas left, we had a quiet, peaceful, yet giddy little moment acknowledging that it’s finally happening! We’re going to meet our baby soon! After he left, I decided to do a little bit of tidying around our apartment. Usually if my environment is clean and organized, it helps me mentally feel more grounded and able to relax. Then I told myself, “I will be a ‘good birthing person’ and try to rest while I still can.” I laid down in my bed and within a few minutes, the first contraction came, and I could not remain comfortable through it while lying down. I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I knew instinctively that I needed to move, like I did during my labor with Winston. So, I got up and decided I should call the on-call midwife at Roots Birth Center to let them know I was in early labor and make a plan.
[6AM] Rebecca was the midwife who called me back. What stood out to me during our conversation and still makes me laugh was her response, “I don’t think you’re peeing yourself…” She explained that it was likely my mucus plug (it gets thinner and more watery when it releases) and/or small leak of my waters. I told her, “I earned myself a Depends.” After wearing it for a while, I could tell that what was leaking was indeed my mucus plug. I told her I wasn’t sure how frequent my contractions were but at least as frequent as every 10 minutes. During our conversation, I had several that I stopped talking to deep breathe through. She told me they were about 7 minutes apart. The plan was for me to call again when contractions were closer together and/or more intense.
Shortly after my conversation, Nicholas checked in, “Are you sure you’re good, or would you rather I head home?” I responded, “I think I’d rather have you home.” It’s wild how in sync we are 99% of the time. Before I read his text, I was thinking to myself that I really didn’t want to be alone. The reality of labor already progressing felt more real now.
[6:18AM] While waiting for Nicholas to get home, I informed our birth photographer/doula Brooke. Today was the day she was going to be out of town, but if she couldn’t be there, Gina would fill in. Together, we made a similar plan: I would keep her and Gina updated as things progressed and they would either come to my apartment or to the birth center. Brooke gave gentle reminders to try and rest, to eat and drink, and to keep my bladder empty. Her gentle and calm reassurance was exactly what my mind needed as I waited for Nicholas to come home.
[6:40AM] I was waiting to inform my sister until things felt definite and when I had a better feel for the progression of labor. I knew she had to work that day, and I didn’t want to potentially make her wait around all day if labor took a while in the early stages. I finally caved and called her because I just felt it was the right thing to do. My contractions were close enough together and regular. I called her (woke her up) and told her she’s not going to work today, that labor has started and brought her up to speed about the other details so far.
[6:45AM] When Nicholas came home, I asked him to time my contractions because it felt too difficult to do myself at this point. Things were feeling more intense, but I wanted to have more objective information when I updated the midwife. After about 20 minutes of timing them, they were consistently roughly 4 minutes apart. I think both of us were shocked and felt a new sense of “this is really happening” and soon!
[7:07AM] I called Rebecca back to give her an update but then realized it was likely change of shift and would be another midwife taking over. She told me she would call Rachel and communicate all the things that had happened so far so that I wouldn’t have to repeat everything again.
[7:11AM] Rachel called me, reviewed what she knew, and asked me what I would like to do: “Would you rather come in sooner or later?” I immediately responded, “Sooner!” I knew I did not want things to be much more intense than they were for the 20-minute car ride. Rachel made a plan for us to meet at Roots at 8 AM, and of course to call her if needed before then for any changes or concerns. I called my sister and photographer to also meet at Roots at 8AM.
Winston was still sleeping, so Nicholas had to work on getting him up while I continued to lean over our kitchen counter and sway through my contractions. I had been vocalizing with my contractions since about when Nicholas got home. I’m sure it wasn’t the most comforting sound for Winnie to wake up to, but that was just the timing of everything. I had hoped he would’ve seen some of the earlier ones, the ones where I had just started to notice them or even the ones I was just deep breathing through. Ideally, it would’ve been a gentler introduction to “mom in labor.” I could hear Nicholas reminding him and normalizing what labor can look and sound like and reaffirming that Mommy is okay and safe. We quickly tried to round up everything, eat breakfast (I could only really handle part of a banana at the time), and wait for our pup to get picked up by Nicholas’s classmate. Bear was noticeably more anxious hearing and seeing me in labor, so I was thankful he would have company and distraction until we got home.
[8:15AM] We arrived at Roots just a little later than planned and got to park in the designated birthing family spot. It felt so surreal. The car ride there had actually not been as challenging as I remembered car rides during Winston’s labor. The car is definitely not ideal whatsoever to cope with labor, but I was able to contort my body in a way that felt “okay” for the 15-20-minute drive.
I remember walking out of the car and up to the birthing suites, my face and energy just felt different. I felt focused. If I smiled or laughed in between, it was brief. I just wanted minimal external stimulation.
We got settled in the “yellow room,” the one with the glorious tub. My contractions were steady, and I quickly found my rhythm standing and leaning over the bathroom vanity, swaying through the intensity. Intermittently the nurse or midwife would take my vitals and listen to babe’s heartbeat. Every interaction with the team from Roots was calm, gentle, and reassuring. I always felt that my body and my wishes were respected. It didn’t feel like things were being done to me or I was being told to birth a certain way. They supported me as I was.
A few weeks before this birth, I significantly pulled a muscle or muscles. The biggest insult was when my dog yanked me to chase bunnies (two separate occasions within the same walk). To recover from this, I was strictly resting and walking with a cane for daily tasks. My body was undoubtedly susceptible to any weird tweaks due to my symphysis pubis dysfunction. My pelvis and muscles supporting my pelvis were weak and unstable. This started in the middle of my pregnancy and I was seeing a chiropractor and PT weekly ever since. By the day of birth, I had actually gotten to the point that I was mostly not using my cane to get around, but I still was not doing much activity wise. I didn’t want to push my body too hard before giving birth.
All of that back-story is to give context as to why I felt stuck. I knew that standing and swaying through my contractions was working well for me, but I was getting really fatigued using my legs that much. When I verbalized this, the team gave different position options to help give my legs rest.
Per Winston’s request, the tub was the next position to try. In preparation for him to be at this birth, he decided that he wanted to catch baby being born in the tub. I was all for that plan, if it felt right for all involved in the moment. Unfortunately, to my surprise, I could not get comfortable in the tub. I really liked and felt the most relief laboring in the tub for Winston’s birth although he was born on land. Winston also wanted to get out of the tub; I could tell my vocalizing during contractions was overwhelming for him. Good thing Auntie Brookie was there to play with him in the family area outside of the birthing rooms.
Next, I tried lying on my side in the bed. I knew this likely would not work for me, but I was just desperate to give my legs a break. This position did not last long because I got nauseous and puked. I tried hands and knees in the bed supported with pillows but I couldn’t really get comfortable. I tried left side-lying but again that was very short lived due to my body’s nauseous and puking response. So onto the “dilation station,” also known as the toilet. I had intentions of sitting down on it backwards for some contractions and also to empty my bladder, but as I tried to sit I realized that was not what my body wanted to do (baby felt really low), so I peed standing up over the toilet. And then something else came out. “Do you think it was your water breaking?” Rachel asked. “It didn’t feel like pee, so I think so!” It looked clear (yay!), and babe’s heartbeat still sounded good.
[9:30AM] I made my way back to my beloved bathroom vanity spot. As tired as I was physically from standing, it’s what felt right, so I just had to keep going and listen to my body. At this point contractions were definitely more intense. I vocalized out loud, “I feel like I have to poop.” Between contractions I focused on a few birthing affirmations. The first one I remember repeating in my head was, “My contractions cannot be stronger than me because they are me.” The process of birth can feel like your physical body and your mental self are opposing. Anyone who has gone through labor knows in their bones that birth is a train that just keeps on going whether you want it to or not. That lack of control can feel really uncomfortable. I also kept repeating to myself, “Surrender.” Surrender to my body. Surrender to the process. The best way to help me to surrender was to center myself by closing my eyes, slow deep breathing, and reminding myself that I trust my body, I trust my baby, I trust birth, and I trust the process. I remember affirming out loud between contractions, “I am safe,” and I remember one or multiple people in the room validating and echoing this statement. I felt so loved and so supported.
[10:30AM] By 10:30, I was pushing spontaneously with contractions. Pushing during Winston’s birth was not something I remember with positive regard. The biggest thing I remember was how fearful the sensation of pushing felt at the time. I think that fear made it more challenging to push effectively or to feel purposeful. Going into this birth, I was really hoping I would not feel fearful or at least that level of fear. When I had brought this up to my close friends while pregnant, they always reminded me how much more I know about birth this time. When Winston was less than a year old, I got a job at the Minnesota Birth Center and really became immersed in the birth world. Yes, I gained a ton of knowledge surrounding pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. But what I think was even more impactful was witnessing and supporting birthing people. I witnessed the wide array of ways birthing people cope during labor. I heard birthing people’s sounds. This normalized birth and healed a lot of emotions and thoughts surrounding Winston’s birth, and I believe helped prepare me for this birth.
Pushing this time around was definitely more intense standing up (versus on my back, legs up with Winston), but it made so much more sense. I felt babe progress farther; I felt its purpose with each contraction. During pushing, I had intermittent, fleeting intrusive thoughts of “I can’t do this” or “My body can’t birth this baby.” Initially when I would feel babe descend farther, I remember feeling my eyes get really wide from the pure shock of how that movement felt inside my body. There was a sprinkle of fear each time, but I knew the only way to be done and finally get the rest I craved was to keep going. I also knew that giving into that fear would make this last stretch of birth that much longer, more challenging, and frustrating.
During my pregnancy, I read Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. I read so many birth stories that illustrated how powerful the mind-body connection is during birth. Pushing this time was my favorite and the most surprising part of my birth. After I acknowledged that initial fear at the beginning of the contraction, I closed my eyes, slowed my breathing and visualized my tissues opening wider. I kid you not — as I visualized this, I immediately felt my body respond and echo my thoughts. I felt my body open wider, allowing babe to keep moving on their way out. It was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. Pushing finally made sense. I was listening, responding, and surrendering to my body. It felt so unifying with my mind and body working together. I felt so whole.
As I was in the last final minutes before birth, they invited Winston and my sister back in. Winston initially snuggled on Dad’s lap, and they asked if he still wanted to catch baby. I don’t recall if I even heard him verbally respond, but I could tell in his face that he wasn’t comfortable in that moment to do so. I told him, “it’s okay if you don’t want to anymore, Winston.” He snuggled next to Auntie Brookie a little farther away in the room instead.
I was then asked if I wanted to catch baby myself. I immediately declined. I had even previously asked the midwives if anyone had ever fallen down while birthing standing up. They reassured me that hadn’t happened before in their experience. In that moment I did not feel able to safely catch a slippery human while also focusing and working hard to push in that position. Nicholas then said he wanted to catch baby. He was once again the perfect birth partner for me. It felt so special to be birthing our child in this way with him.
[11:29AM] At 11:29, baby was finally born, caught by the hands of Rachel and Nicholas. Once Nicholas had his grip, he brought babe up to my hands and helped me get baby snuggled on my chest. It was the most beautiful overwhelming feeling of relief and accomplishment. I could finally lie down comfortably on the bed and enjoy this new chapter with my family.
The first thing I noticed and was completely surprised by was how light baby’s hair was and that it was strawberry blonde! I guess I never expected anything other than dark hair like Winston’s at birth. The next thing I noticed was how big and chunky baby was. My fundal height had been measuring a little smaller than gestational age, and I just didn’t feel as big as I felt pregnant with Winston. As it turns out, there was a big 9-pound, 4.15-ounce baby hiding in my uterus! The final surprise was baby’s sex. Winston had the honor of finding out and enthusiastically announced, “He has a penis like me!” Winston was overjoyed that he now had a little brother. Towards the end of pregnancy, I had been feeling that baby was a girl. I guess I should’ve listened to Winston’s intuition! He was confident baby would be “a boy like me.”
The last phase of birth was fairly uneventful. I tried to birth my placenta lying in the bed, but I felt like I didn’t know how to do so. I didn’t feel the urge to push, and my after-birth contractions were so much milder. I had enough gushes of blood that the midwives decided to give me Pitocin in my leg. They then suggested that I try to birth the placenta standing up. Similar to the birth of babe, pushing in that position just made sense for my body, so out it came with the next contraction.
The immediate postpartum period felt pretty much exactly as I expected it to from working as a nurse at a free-standing birth center similar to Roots. Baby and I were cared for and monitored, but it didn’t feel as constantly disruptive like the hospital did with Winston. It truly felt like an extension of home. I was comfortable, safe, and cared for. I felt empowered by every single person there — the nurse, the midwives, the photographers, my sister, my husband, and my now two sons.
I feel pure gratitude, love, and joy for this entire birth journey. Every detail felt like perfect timing. I was able to essentially get a full night’s sleep. Early labor was not prodromal this time. I told Rachel at my last prenatal appointment, “If all my hopes and dreams come true, you’d be the midwife at my birth.” I feel so lucky that I got to have the midwife I felt most connected to there for the birth. Nicholas was able to come home and support me just as I was feeling like I needed his presence and support. He, once again, was my perfect birth partner. My sister was able to be there for Winston, and also simply to be part of this incredible moment in my life.
Time from labor to birth was only 7 hours (compared to 59 hours last time!). I honestly could keep going on about every little piece that made this experience so profoundly perfect. The only thing that could’ve been the cherry on top is if I could’ve seen and gotten a hug from Eloho from the front desk at Roots. If you’ve been to Roots and have met her, you know just how amazing of a human she is. My consolation, though, was I got to see and hug her the next day when we came back for our 24-hour follow-up appointment. This birth will forever be one of the best experiences of my life.
